Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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