So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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