There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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