I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
