so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
