Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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