I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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