Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
