There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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