allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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