When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
