i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
