OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
