I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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