just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
