I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
