bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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