I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
