My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
