Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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