hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
