well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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