Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
