She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
