Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
