I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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