I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
