My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have feelings that need drinking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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