yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm just crazy horny about you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
