guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
