I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
worst night to have a conscience
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
