I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
