When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
