never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
