u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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