FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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