She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
