Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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