We won't sleep together?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
