I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
