I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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