I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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