I must be too annoying 4 u.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
