i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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