I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
