Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
