Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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