My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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