Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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