I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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