did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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