I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
