last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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