Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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