so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
