I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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