Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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