I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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