he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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