So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
