so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize